“I disagree, and I am not feeling heard.”
These were words that I’ll never forget hearing in a leadership meeting when helping a leadership team define a new product. The moments leading up to that conversation were tense. In fact, many interactions with these two team members were rifled with a combination of electric creative energy and toxic tension. Somehow, it worked in my mind until I heard the second part of that statement.
It’s time to stop and listen when someone doesn't feel heard because it means you no longer have a healthy debate. Looking at the situation, I can tell you the signs were there: the dominance of one voice, unwillingness to listen, emotional reactions, stubbornness…they were all there; I just wasn’t seeing them.
When situations like this go unaddressed, the dynamic can become toxic, leading to poor collaboration, lack of trust, and lower morale. Not on my watch. I stepped in, “I can sense this conversation has become more about conflict than solving the issue. Let’s pause and listen to what each other has to say.”
We listened. Everyone looked back at me. I reminded everyone why we were in the room, asked for their patience and focus, and worked together to meet the meeting's goal. It was a temporary success, but the issue underneath wasn’t resolved.
After that meeting, I recapped the conversation with both people individually. I asked how they felt after the meeting. As suspected, the louder one saw zero issues. The unheard one broke down. I still have the same conversation with them: healthy debate is a positive thing, words carry energy, listening is critical, and empathy is everything. We also talked about self-advocacy, altering your communication style for your audience, and focusing on goals. The issues persisted.
I worked with these folks for months and saw them in other meetings with a range of team members. What I saw in them was two very different ways of thinking, collaborating, and communicating. I witnessed other team members have similar, jarring experiences with them. It was exactly what I expected: One was dominant, loud, and curt with others but with a nice guy veneer. The other was anxious and overly prepared with overengineered agendas to make things go their way. I felt like a spy who caught two meeting bandits red-handed at work, wasting time and destroying the possibility of positive collaboration and healthy debate with a whole team.
I knew this team was capable of healthy debate; I’d been a part of respectful, constructive discussions where differing perspectives were openly shared and discussed. In general, the team were great collaborators with a positive spirit. And the two team villains really weren’t that terrible. They wanted the best for the team but didn’t see how they impacted others. They were so focused on things being “right” that they didn’t look around to see if anyone else agreed or disagreed. They had the wrong idea of collaboration, problem-solving, and being a part of a team. It’s a challenge I’ve seen many leaders face: getting so used to being “the boss” that they forget to listen.
In our next leadership meeting, I discussed company values, collaboration guidance, and communication planning. Over the next few months, we revisited their values and added new ones about candor and listening. We also set clear expectations of roles and rules regarding collaboration to give the team the proper space and boundaries to succeed. Finally, we created communication plans and guidelines for the whole company.
Of course, creating documents and talking about them doesn’t solve the problem. The paperwork just served as a new set of rules for the team. It was time for this leadership team to follow its own guidance, and I was there to watch. This was more about changing behaviors, not following a set of “how-to’s” for these folks. And it was tough. They sank back into toxic behavior–it was bound to happen. But what I saw next was exciting and inspiring.
The guidance worked for the team working on projects. I knew we were on the right track when I saw the PMs and creatives pick up the guidance and truly use it to create better brainstorms, critiques, and even team meetings. When I saw these leaders join team meetings or deliver team-wide communications, I saw them following guidelines. They were still debating, but they were more positive and self-aware. They were working within boundaries.
All of this made me realize that debate can bring out the best and worst in team members–in the best ways. And at the end of the day, we’re not here to change people. We’re here to help them be authentically successful.
