Last week my friend Kris called me to ask about the statement I made in my post, Creating space for connection: the key to a thriving team culture. I wrote, “One of the worst things you can ever do is to ask your teammates to share something “interesting” about themselves. That’s the best way to amp up anxiety and send people deep into their shell.” Kris wanted to know that if she shouldn’t ask people to share something interesting about themselves, then what are some better alternatives?
Before I offer my suggestions, let me add some depth to the statement I made because it’s important to know why we shouldn’t put people on the spot in this manner. "Tell us something interesting about yourself is the kind of question that can cause performance anxiety and fear of judgment. This is what happens to Monique Hebert and she shares her perspective of what she's thinking, feeling, and doing during these events in her post To the supervisors, managers, and leaders of the world: Please recognize that for many introverts, icebreakers are anxiety-inducing.
Why do some introverts tend to feel uncomfortable during icebreakers? For one, an icebreaker forces you to be the center of attention. While extroverts are more likely to enjoy being in the spotlight, introverts may find it overwhelming. In general, introverts thrive in calm environments where there isn’t much stimulation. I can’t think of a more stimulating situation than a roomful of eyes watching my every move! For introverts, all this attention can put their nervous system in overdrive.
Even when I come up with something to say, it never comes out quite the way I planned it in my head. I might stutter or stumble or mix up my words. In turn, this spikes my anxiety even more and leaves me feeling frazzled and embarrassed… all in front of people I work with… in a situation where I am trying to make a good impression. I know icebreakers are supposed to be “fun,” but I, like many introverts, absolutely dread them.
Though icebreakers are meant to be a very low-key and chill activity–softball questions–it often has the opposite effect when you make it personal. For years I used the same answer for these moments—“I cut my own hair.” Now, I very much consider myself an extrovert and I’m typically an open book, but some of the looks I got from people in response to my “fun fact” didn’t feel chill at all. So I can only imagine how someone with a different personality must feel and it ain’t great. As a leader, I don’t ever want to cause anyone anxiety.
What to do instead or how to facilitate a better icebreaker activity. Here's my playbook that I've crafted over the years. Remember, your mileage may vary. Be mindful that every team culture is unique.
- Provide an opt-out. The function of an ice breaker is to get the conversation started, get the flow flowin’ but you also don’t want to kick things by making people feel awkward. If people aren't feeling comfortable then let them off the hook. This is the perfect opportunity to demonstrate that you are creating a safe space.
- Set an example of vulnerability: Start by sharing something about yourself that feels relevant yet low-pressure. Show that it’s okay to keep it simple, giving others permission to do the same. It also helps to frame the length of your answer for those participants whose anxiety propels them to talk at length.
- Make it about work. No matter what the activity is, ground it in the work or the workplace. Ask people to describe what role they play on the team and what kind of work they will deliver. What part of the project did they enjoy working on the most? What tool do they use the most? How many office supplies do they take home in a year? Just kidding, don’t ask them that question.
- Focus on values, goals, or learning: Invite everyone to share a personal or professional value that resonates with the project, a goal they’d like to achieve, or what they would like to learn during the course of the project. I’ve had a lot of really great and surprising responses to that last question.
- Ask team-oriented questions: This is a bit of an overlap of a few things I’ve already shared but it’s worth noting. Asking questions that focus on teamwork. For example: "What’s a strength you bring to this team?" or "What’s one way you like to collaborate with others?" or “What’s the best way to communicate with you?” These are questions that you’ll want everyone to know anyway so why not start from the beginning?
Icebreakers are meant to help teams connect, but asking people to share personal “fun facts” can actually heighten anxiety and push team members further into their shells—especially introverts. While the intent might be lighthearted, the reality is that not everyone feels comfortable in the spotlight. And it’s worth noting that the folks who do like the spotlight might be a different cause for concern. I’m sure I’ll get a call from Kris on that statement too. Instead of risking awkwardness or discomfort, shift these activities that are team-oriented and focused on work. Follow this guide and you will create a welcoming space that sets the tone for great teamwork and collaboration. The best icebreakers aren’t about revealing quirky facts but about encouraging trust and camaraderie from the start.
